Greetings to you,
I hope you will take the time to read my story. If you are an atheist or agnostic, I used to be in the same belief system. If you believe in an impersonal god… don’t worry, I’ve been down that road before. My hope is to help you see the world in a different light. I understand the world we live in is a very confusing place and my wish is to bring clarity. If you are a Christian, I hope you enjoy my story and I encourage you to share it with others. No matter who you are, I hope you will enjoy my story anyways :). Let’s begin.
I was adopted directly from the hospital I was born at when I was 4 days old. My biological parents split up before I was born and my father didn’t know about me until after I was born. By the time he found out about me, it was too late for him to do anything. He was 5 states away and couldn’t afford to come get me. I was raised in a Christian household and somewhere along in my earlier years, I became an atheist for a while. I had been picked on throughout my school years for being “different” and “weird” and this caused me to believe there was no God. My thoughts were, “why would God allow someone to be treated like this?” or, “Why doesn’t God talk to anyone anymore?”.
I spent years on the wrong path not caring about my life, believing… if I cease to exist when I die, then why not just do what I want? I battled maybe 8 years of back and forth hard drug addiction, especially to heroin. During these 8 years I married the man who became my boyfriend when I was at age 19. We were 17 and 20 when we first got together. I didn’t want to marry him, but I felt trapped because he impregnated me a second time. The first time he got me pregnant, I was too scared to have a child, so I got an abortion. My then boyfriend found out about this and was very upset, he never let me hear the end of it. He called me a murderer and I was. It caused problems in our relationship. I later deeply regretted this decision, so I kept the child after it happened again. We got married and I had a daughter 5 months later. I did well for myself for a while after she was born, I even started my own business and hired employees. He acted like he was going to be a good father, but he always made me take care of her and wouldn’t help clean up or anything.
I would get fed up with him sometimes and leave the house to force him to care for her. Eventually I got so fed up with this, I gave up custody of our daughter to our parents. I made him sign the petition as well. I still wanted to stay with him for the sake of our daughter, but I didn’t feel safe staying with him. He would get drunk sometimes and get violent; he drank quite frequently. He thought it was funny to keep me from sleeping, or he would find a way to blame everything that was clearly his fault on other people, especially me. I don’t blame all of his behavior on him though, he had a brain hemorrhage when he was 16 and brain damage as a result. Knowing this fact to begin with, I never should have gotten with him, but the past can’t be undone.
I decided to divorce this man after 2 1/2 years of marriage and I’m glad I did. I moved back in with my adoptive parents. Before the divorce I had the opportunity to meet my father. My mom gave me the documents to search for my biological parents on my 18th birthday and I finally decided to search 5 years later. I searched for my mother on Facebook and later came across an article about her death. I couldn’t believe she was dead and I would never have the chance to meet her. This reaffirmed my loss of faith in God and I was so upset I locked myself in my room for 3 days and cried. My father was shocked at this news, too. He felt very sorry that I could never meet her.
My father and I talked on Facebook for 7 months before we met. When I did meet my father, I was nervous at first. Five minutes into our meeting I felt very comfortable with him, as if I had known him all along. I spent a week with him at the school he was taking classes in at the time and I met someone while I was there. I felt very attached to this man due to the circumstances I met him in. I was devastated when I left the school because I thought I would never see him again. I knew I would see my father again, so I didn’t worry about that.
I continued to text this man after we left school and he seemed like he lost interest in me. This caused me to have severe depression and I ended up losing my motivation to do anything, including working. I lost my business as a result. My parents tried to get me to get a job, but I just didn’t care anymore. I ended up developing a bad drinking problem. I left the house for a few days and I ended up running wild and having sex with a lot of different men. This was a way for me to cope with my perceived loss, but none of them could fill the void. I tried to return to my adoptive parents’ house after a few days, but they wouldn’t let me come back. The man I was in love with somehow convinced my parents to let me be part of the household again.
I started talking to this man again and things seemed to be going well. He told me he was going to a town nearby me to work and visit me in the fall. He and I would text back and forth on the phone. He tried to call me sometimes and I was always too scared to answer. My parents tried to get me to get a job and contribute to the household, but I didn’t want to humble myself to that level at the time. I lost my cleaning business and refused to work for other people ever again. Of course, my parents didn’t like this and planned to kick me out again if I didn’t comply. My biological father asked me to come visit him in Puerto Rico where he lived. He bought me a plane ticket and I went there for the summer.
What I did to my adoptive parents was wrong, I didn’t tell them the news until the last minute. I had two months to tell them and I told them a week before when they finally had enough of my laziness and were about to kick me out. I left my daughter, family, and all responsibilities behind. It has taken my adoptive father a long time to forgive me for this. I had a great time with my father in Puerto Rico. I learned about a different culture and met many interesting people.
My bio father was going through a divorce during my visit. I visited his family during the winter in Florida to meet my half-brother and half-sister. This was before my second visit in Puerto Rico. They are much younger than I am, closer to my daughter’s age. In addition I met my two aunts, grandmother and cousin(who was about to be married). It was a wonderful visit, one that I’ll never forget. The visit in Puerto Rico lasted about three months, then I went back to Virginia to be reunited with the man I thought I loved.
I was very nervous to meet him again. It was supposed to last two weeks, then I would’ve gone to his home in Alaska to live with him. He met my parents and daughter a few days into our visit. The meeting seemed to be going well, but five days later he told me he didn’t think it was going to work out. This absolutely crushed my heart and I made him a special “I love you” dinner the next day. He wouldn’t change his mind though. He cancelled my plane ticket to Alaska. He didn’t want to be with me, mainly because he desired a family of his own and I didn’t want to mother any more children. I completely despise being pregnant now for too many reasons to list. My childbirth experience at the hospital was very traumatic and gave me secondary tokophobia. He was unsympathetic to my feelings and his commentary on them was mean and unthoughtful. For instance, he said it was our duty to have children by the order of God and he told me a second pregnancy wasn’t as bad as the first. I asked him if I have to sacrifice nine months and go through childbirth again for you, what will you do for me? He just said he would love and cherish me. His reasons were not good enough for me.
He also told me I needed to be there for the daughter I already have. After this, I went back to my home town. I told my mom what happened and she feared the worst for me, and rightfully so. I was so devastated that I began to drink heavily again. I eventually met some new people from another group of people I already knew and one of them introduced me to heroin. I knew heroin was evil, but I really just didn’t care anymore. I felt like my life was over anyways. I loved the drug but I didn’t get hooked on it at first. I continued to drink every day before heroin trapped me. I went from house to house drinking and eventually people got tired of me mooching off them. My buddy who introduced me to the drug let me stay at his house for a while and I started using heroin regularly to stop my emotional pain.
I got hooked on heroin so bad I ended up needing to find a way to support my habit. I didn’t care about myself anymore, so I did one of the most degrading things a woman can do to herself. I became a prostitute. The thought of withdrawal from heroin frightened me to the core and I wanted to avoid it at all costs. I went back and forth being addicted to heroin for two years. It took me 1 1/2 years to get over the man who rejected me.
In these two years, I ended up living with one of my “Johns” in exchange for blow jobs. He seemed nice at first, but he had a very bad temper. He was usually very nice to me, but he would always lose it when I started talking about other men. He was always saying other men were ugly and comparing himself to them. He was literally crazy about me and always tried to get me to have sex with him. I always refused. He would get mad and choke me, especially if he was drunk. He would always try to prevent me from going out to make money from other “Johns”. For some reason this lunatic thought we were together and tried to show off his body to me. I told him I wasn’t interested in being with someone old enough to be my father. My family learned about this situation and wanted to get me out of it. I stopped talking to this man a few months after I moved away from him. He made up the excuse that he never did anything wrong to me and that he “had a heart of gold”.
My grandmother(adoptive mother’s mom) let me live with her for free. She paid me by the week in exchange for helping around the house and taking care of her. The lunatic was furious that I wouldn’t talk to him, and he came to my grandma’s house to try to break in. I called to police to arrest him for trespassing. I ended up getting a restraining order on him and that was the end of it. I was doing fine for a little while. I quit all my bad habits and started to eat mindfully and exercise. I saved up my money and bought an Iphone and a vehicle. I got into excellent shape. As a result, I became very vain and proud. I enjoyed making sport out of teasing men and denying them later. I met another man online who I thought was very attractive and I responded to his messages. He pretended to be interested in me, but he moved to Florida after a month of us talking behind my back. He only wanted to have sex with me because of my attractiveness. This knocked me right off my arrogant pedestal and I should’ve been alarmed when he didn’t want to meet my family or let me meet his.
I was heart-broken all over again and started right back up with the drugs. My mom knew I was on something but I wouldn’t admit it. One day my all took off with all my money and said he would be back with what I wanted. He never came back. I was desperate to get high, so I took my grandma’s ring. I went back to my friend who initially gave me heroin to get my fix. A month later, my friend introduced me to someone who would give me free dope in exchange for giving him rides. I came home soon after and my aunt and uncle were there. I was only coming back to get my paycheck and then leave with my new addict “friend” again. They were there to confront me about my stealing and were very heart broken. They threatened to call the police and I started crying. I gave my paycheck back to my grandma so she could get her rings back. I took off after that.
I ran to and fro with my “friend” about two weeks and got tired of him. He was becoming increasing less generous. He caused my engine to fry out from all the running around. I told him the oil needed to be changed and he wouldn’t listen. I was livid. He put a hotel room in my name that night and I changed rooms while he was gone to get away from him. I called my mom and asked her if she would take me to my friends who were an hour away. She helped me because she wanted to get me away from this man, too. She was angry for what I did to my grandma, but still loved me and wanted to help me.
I had to deal with withdrawal again for what I thought was the final time. I settled with my friends in their hotel room they rented by the week. I was already over the man who moved to Florida by the time I moved with my friends. I finally accepted the fact I had to get a job to help pay rent. I started drinking again and using pills because my boss stressed me out so bad. He was an evil and manipulative man who took advantage of his employees. One of my “friends” would attempt to take advantage of me while I was drinking and even stole wine from work for me. I got very tired of this after three months and decided to go back to my hometown to hang out with the guy who introduced me to heroin. I really wanted to use again because the town I was in only had pills. I was only supposed to be gone for a couple of days. I lied to my boss telling him I had a family emergency. I got a “John” from my hometown to take me back. I never saw him again after that. I ended up not returning back to my friends’ hotel room and my life was about to change forever…
There was a guy who I had previously met 1 1/2 years ago through my friend that introduced me to heroin(we’ll call him Bob). Coincidentally he was hanging out with my friend to get drugs, too. He was very happy to see me and we all went to his house. One of Bob’s other friends was there, too. Bob and his other friend were both interested in me. Bob’s mom wasn’t happy to have any of us there, so she stayed upstairs in her room and we stayed downstairs in the living room. We were using a variety of drugs and listening to electronic music. I was getting Bob to take pictures of my butt in the bathroom to send to someone else. I thought I would be getting with the “someone else”, but one thing led to another and I ended up in Bob’s room to cuddle with him. We ended up making love and I could feel myself developing feelings for him. I had to go back to work the next day so I planned on leaving. I told Bob about this and this really upset him. He told me he really didn’t want me to leave. I could tell he really cared about me, I stayed at his house. We formed a relationshipwithin hours, even minutes. He told me he loved me, but I wasn’t comfortable saying it back yet. I finally did about a week later.
While we were still at his house, he was complaining about his mom. I simply agreed with him without adding to the comments and she ran downstairs. We started fighting and Bob got between us. She kicked both of us out. He chose to go with me because she was kicking him out in a few days anyways for being unemployed for two months. We went to see some friends of his after getting kicked and I learned about the rave scene. I was fascinating by all the light toys the raver. I tried LSD. It made me feel like I was experiencing vibrations of love.
One day Bob showed up with a guy he seemed to randomly run into. The guy made DMT. I heard about DMT and I knew it was the king of hallucinogens. DMT goes beyond that, it is a spiritual experience and after you try it… you know you have a soul. You can literally feel your soul waking up when you use it. I was very scared to try it because I knew how powerful it was. A voice in my head told me not to be scared and I ended up trying it. I felt very loved while I was under its influence. It caused me to renounce my atheism and believe in an impersonal Brahman-type-god. One night after wandering around town, I was thinking about our friend with the DMT again. I knew in my mind I wanted to experience it again. I told Bob I really wanted to do it again and our friend seemed to randomly show up again. This time, he had much more DMT than before and my experience was ever more profound.
I felt nothing but pure love and being at peace with the universe. I saw a light of unspeakable, unexplainable beauty. I don’t know if the DMT was God’s will or not. What I do know is that it changed my belief from atheism to impersonalism. I wasn’t quite there yet, but this started my journey back to the one true Godhead of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Although DMT helped to guide me in the direction I would eventually take, I don’t exactly support using it because it can cause confusion. Just remember any spirit that tries to teach you anything contrary to the Gospels of the King James Bible is not from God, but from Satan. The Bible tells us that if we hear from a spirit, we need to test it to see if it is of God or not.
Bob taught me another way to make money as a homeless person, which was panhandling or “flying a sign”. We got tired of being in Virginia eventually after a year on the streets, so we traveled across the Country to LA, California. We had a car that his sister sold to us, but the tires were flattened in downtown LA, we never got them fixed and the car stayed there. Many crazy things happened there. We met with this Mexican guy who started talking to us about the Bible and he showed us some proof that the Bible was true. For instance, the reference to the attacks of 9/11 in Isaiah. This guy turned out to be bad news and we left his place and didn’t return. After we left it seemed like people were after us. We were very frightened and started praying to God like never before. We went around a corner and one of the guys we saw seemed to be concealing a gun ready to shoot. He looked like he was going to pull it out to shoot us, but he never did and we kept running. We got on a bus to go across town. Bob said he felt a bullet zoom by him in downtown LA. he saw a new bullet hole on a window at the bus stop we were at.
Soon after, we went to this Japanese restaurant. I sat down at a table and he went to order. A very creepy looking guy at the table next to me stood up and was looking at me and smiling very creepily. He started talking to us as soon as Bob got to the table. He seemed to know we were in trouble. He had a very creepy and demonic echo in his voice. He claimed to work for the government. We had gotten food stamps earlier in the month. He was talking to us about the government forcing us to get jobs to keep our benefits. He suggested we go to Santa Monica to try to get jobs. We had a bad feeling about him and decided not to take his suggestion. When we finished talking to him we left the building and were watching the building the whole time. We went back in and he was gone. He wasn’t in the bathroom or anything, he just vanished out of thin air. We went opposite from the side of town he suggested.
A day later, another strange character came up to us and started talking to Bob. He said look(he had 3 lottery tickets) if you change these to 6 billion at the bottom, you’ll win it. Bob carefully examined the tickets and noticed they said 666. He handed them back and said it wasn’t that he didn’t believe him, but he didn’t care that much about money. I think now it mightv’e been Satan trying to get us to sell our souls. We ran into people all over the place who randomly told us Jesus Christ was the only way to heaven. One day our shoes were completely worn out. Bob knew we really need replacements, so he prayed for new shoes for us. We walked a few blocks down and found two brand new pairs of shoes. They were exactly our sizes and were still in the boxes with the paper still in the shoes and everything.
Another strange guy, who we previously met at Venice beach, came along one day and gave me a book to read. He always seemed to randomly show up. I don’t know if he was spying on us or not, but he claimed to be the son of Lucifer. I read his book and believed it because it made sense to my Brahman beliefs. It had a weird philosophy similar to Hare Krishna. He took us to the Hare Krishna Temple in Culver City for the Sunday feast. After that, Hare Krishna books started popping up out of nowhere. The first one appeared another friend from Venice’s camp site. Our friend kept account of everything that was at the site and told us he had never seen the book before. The second one was given to me by a Lady driving while I was flying a sign at an intersection. The third I found randomly placed while I was walking down an off ramp behind bushes. The fourth was given to me for free at the temple. We genuinely believed God had put the books in these random spots and were deceived.
We started going back to the Hare Krishna temple as a result, and they almost brain washed us. Our first time we recited the Hare Krishna chant with the other members for thirty minutes straight. All the lights appeared to be getting brighter and it seemed as though we could see into people’s souls. But one day we seemed to be getting followed more. The night before our last day at the temple, we were on our way back to our “sleeping spot”. A man seemed to show up out of nowhere and he asked us if we were homeless. We told him yes we were. He took out fifty dollars to give us. We almost decided to say no, but a voice in our heads told us we were going to need it and that we would regret it if we said no.
We stopped panhandling when we were going to the temple because the books told us it was wrong and would reject money from people. We weren’t even holding signs anymore and people were still trying to give us money. We even went so far as to give up most of our possessions. The books said all material possessions belong to Krishna and followers must give up all their unnecessary possessions and surrender unto him and him alone. We really did have good intentions when we did this and thought we were giving all of our things back to the true God.
We were on the way to the temple for the last time and Bob paused. He had a conflict in his head. He told me both Krishna and Jesus were speaking to him. I was almost too far gone and told him they were the same person. The books I read said God has come down in many forms. It tells you in those evil books that Jesus didn’t really die for our sins and that humans need to account for all their actions. That they need to take it upon themselves to avoid sinning. We had an argument and he ripped up one of the books, so I ran inside, crying. He came in and told me it was him or the Hare Krishnas. I told him I didn’t know and that I was very confused. I was under a terrible spell. I got snapped out of it though when the leader of the temple came in and told us we would be banned if we yelled in front of the temple again. We felt some very negative energy coming from him. We left, but I didn’t believe the religion was false yet. I merely believed the temple members were being brain washed by the masonic temple next door. They went back and forth all the time and this confused me. The van at the Hare Krishna temple had a picture of a “wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing” and I still didn’t believe it
We were walking away from Culver City and stopped at Trader Joe’s. I saw a guy and was staring at his shirt trying to figure out what the symbol on it meant. After a few seconds of me staring at him, he seemed to be overcome by something. He started talking to us about how unhappy most people are now, that have money but they know something is missing from their life and they don’t understand why they have this feeling. He said a spiritual war was about to come. He handed us a paper about the Gospels and told us only he can provide a way out for us. He said something was about to go down and he was praying for the rapture. He said the medical marijuana, benefits and everything else were all a ploy to make people get comfortable in their place in order to distract them from what was really going on. He also said Lucifer and Archangel Michael live in LA. He told us Michael controlled the weather and bees and that he used to talk to him; but said he hadn’t lately because he was too busy. We thanked him for the talk and said God Bless.
A few days later, we went to see our dealer and this was the last time we ever used. I got a small bag of heroin from her and she said she would get more for us later. A swarm of bees came to encircle us after we used and everyone else was panicking and getting stung but we stayed in place and the bees left us alone. We went back to see if our dealer had gotten our stuff and she was asleep. Her friend who was there was in his car and he beckoned us to get in with him. He claimed he was trying to get us some for free and was talking to his friend. They were going back and forth making all these weird phone calls and there was this weird jeep across from us. Oddly, it had the lights on in the day time. I noticed there used to be many tents around where we were and there was only one left. I asked the guy what happened and the only information he would give us was that meth became decriminalized.
We got a very, VERY bad feeling from them all of the sudden. We made an excuse to leave and went to the other side of town. We have not used drugs anymore ever since then. We know the bees were a sign to stop. We decided to leave LA finally and go to San Francisco. On the way there, it was almost like we could see evil in the air and see things that others couldn’t. Along the walk, I checked my purse and our benefit cards mysteriously vanished. We stayed in Pacific Palisades for a few days in order to make enough money for our journey. Later in the day, we got in a fight again about Hare Krishnas. It escalated to the point to where a guy with a pit bull showed up and told Bob he would beat him if he didn’t stop talking to me like that. He walked on. Bob and I separated for a little while to calm down and got back together. I was crying at this point and saying I can’t ask Jesus to suffer for my sins, it’s not right. I was very confused about who the real God was and my spirit was begging for the answer. The guy with the pit bull came back and offered to let us spend the night with him. He bought food for us. He didn’t know we were homeless, too. He said the only reason he spoke the way he did was he can’t stand it when he sees men talk to women like that. He gave us advice on getting ready to travel and everything… Many people had helped us out. One of the people that helped us out told us Jesus was coming back very soon.
When we decided we were ready to move on from PP, we took the bus to Malibu and stopped in the Mcdonald’s for coffee. We saw these two guys at a table near us looking very unhappy as they left. We ordered our coffee and sat down. The two guys walked back in with a completely different demeanor. We looked into their eyes and saw a golden glow. They even had different, echo like voices. They handed us $12 and said “there’s the two beautiful souls, you guys are awesome and he knows you’ll use this for something good.” This really confused me and I didn’t know what they were talking about. “You have proven that you have no attachment to material possessions and you have hearts of gold. You’re willing to help others in need when you don’t have much to give and you’ve overcome all obstacles in your way. You are noble travelers and you walk with Jesus as he did when he was on Earth. God has been following you two very closely and you are forgiven for all your sins.” We could feel our hearts melting and broke down in tears. I said “thank you, that’s beautiful”. Then one of them spoke to us at the same time, but we each heard a different message at the same time. I heard “You don’t need to worry, Jesus doesn’t suffer for your sins anymore. He came here to Earth to wash your sins away. He is the bread of life and the only way to heaven.” He heard “You may feel free to continue on your journey, everything will fall into place as it should. Great things are about to happen.”
Then we both heard,”Your families will forgive you and God will help you along the way to NorCal. What are your names?” We told them our names and they asked if we had any bodily injuries that needed healing. We told them about our ears. They took our hands and called upon Jesus to heal us. We had our eyes closed the whole time and we could see and feel a light go through our bodies. At the same time, we could feel our hearing gradually getting better. They told us good luck with everything and God bless. They seemed to return to normal afterwards and gave a cashier a high-five on their way out. We sat around a little while after this happened just smiling, not knowing what to say. We discussed it afterwards and finally realized the guy spoke different words to us at the same time. We moved on to San Francisco gradually though the next nine days finding clothes, tents and everything else we needed along the way. I finally threw away my Hare Krishna books when we got to San Francisco. This was the final nail in the coffin for us for knowing who the one true Godhead is.
If you haven’t been saved yet I hope you will find and read this message and know that there is truly hope out there. Know that someone cared about you so much He was willing to die in the most gruesome way imaginable so that you may not perish, but have everlasting life if you believe on Him. Please repent now, ask God for forgiveness and admit Jesus was God in the flesh, died on the cross for your sins and was resurrected three days later. We must love our God with all our heart and soul and also love our neighbors and even enemies. We are saved by our faith in him alone and if you truly believe and repent, good fruits will follow. Your desire for living in sin will diminish.
If you’re already a Christian, I hope you enjoyed my story and will share it with others.